You think you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, but how do you know if they're actually "the one"? You could hire someone to chart your zodiac signs, or you could take compatibility tests. But there's another way to determine your love compatibility.
Peter Pearson, a couples therapist and co-founder of the Couples Institute, revealed the most important elements of a successful marriage. His first response? Chemistry.
"Chemistry is not everything, he said, "But if the chemistry is not there, that's a tough thing to overcome. If the chemistry is more there for one person than the other, that's tough to overcome."
It isn't just sexual chemistry, though; it's what Pearson calls social chemistry (the way you feel when you're with the other person).
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Relationship expert and author of Date Out of Your League, April Masini, also shared in an article, "Chemistry is like a strong drug that attracts people to each other, even when they don't seem like a good match."
So, how do you find out if there's something beyond chemistry in your relationship? More importantly, how do you discover if you're truly compatible and can have a successful relationship?
Pearson suggests using a little bit of transactional analysis. Transactional analysis (TA) is a model of people and relationships that was developed during the 1960s by Dr. Eric Berne.
T.A. is based on two ideas: 1) that we have three parts or ego states to our personality, and 2) that these talk to each other in transactions (hence the name).
These ego states are:
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If two people are really compatible, they will connect on each level. Pearson showed how to use those ego states when trying to figure out compatibility.
The more questions you ask of yourself and your significant other, and the more specific you can be, the more you'll be able to decipher your true compatibility.
While being able to match your partner in every area is the best scenario, sometimes people get involved in relationships with people who will balance them out. One person might be the more adventurous one and the other more steady-minded and careful. "This works until someone gets tired," Pearson said.
But how can you find out if you are compatible and will have a successful relationship?
Both parties are committed to each other and their relationship. This falls into the parent ego state, where both parties share the same level of value regarding their bond.
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Compatible couples never forget the importance of their relationship, and make sure to be considerate and present for their partner. In the adult ego state, this includes considering another person's happiness before one's own, and learning lessons from previous relationships.
While a couple may age, they make sure their relationship stays youthful. As part of the child ego state, be spontaneous and open to learning new things.
A sense of humor can bind a couple together, help release frustration and tension, and simply be fun. Also falling into the child ego state, have fun together.
You don't have to have sex every day, but showing intimacy with touch or a gesture, or really listening when your partner is expressing their feelings, shows true compatibility. This is part of both the adult ego state and/or child ego state, as intimacy is something you feel but could have learned from previous relationships.
Couples who connect with each other on a variety of levels, and share many of the same personality traits and values, have a greater likelihood of going the distance in their relationship.
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Christine Schoenwald is a writer and performer. She's had articles in The Los Angeles Times, Salon, Bustle, Medium, and Woman's Day.
This article originally appeared on YourTango2023-03-18T22:11:36Z dg43tfdfdgfd